Many of us in the helping profession are adept to serving with care and compassion but there comes a time when truth telling and holding boundaries are also a form of compassion even in the face of stern opposition. As I contemplate the need for boundaries, I recall an ancient Persian story of the scorpion and the frog.
In the fable, the scorpion wanted to cross a river but cannot swim, so it asked a frog to carry it across. The frog hesitated, afraid that the scorpion might sting it, but the scorpion argued that if it did that, they would both drown. The frog considered this argument sensibly and agreed to transport the scorpion. The frog lets the scorpion climb on its back and began to swim. Midway across the river, the scorpion stings the frog anyway, dooming them both. The dying frog asks the scorpion why it stung despite knowing the consequence, to which the scorpion replies: “I couldn’t help it. It’s in my nature.
The lesson is very clear and often overlooked: people rarely change their basic nature. Yet too often, we make the mistake of ignoring this truth.
We over extend ourselves and serve others without realizing that we are doing more damage than good.
We enter into friendships with people who, by their nature, are not suited to be good friends, to support us in achieving our life goals. We enter into romantic relationships thinking we just need to change a few things about the other person to make our partner perfect. We enter into business transactions with people knowing about potential problems but thinking we’ll work around them, or that they’ll act in the best interest of all parties because they’re gaining something from the relationship.
We need to learn a lesson from the frog. People rarely change their basic nature. It doesn’t matter what the rewards might be for acting differently. People find it extremely difficult to act contrary to their true selves.
I’m not suggesting that you give up on a person because of a mistake in the past. We all make mistakes. But be wary and temper your expectations of that person; don’t expect radically different behavior, and monitor the situation to protect yourself.
It’s best to seek out friends, relationship partners and employees whose core identity aligns with yours. If you’re an employee, make sure the values of the company match your beliefs.
Life is filled with challenges. Don’t take on more by expecting someone to act differently from their nature. The sting of realizing this truth can be quite painful.
Experience keeps a dear school, but fools will learn in no other.
